I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
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I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.