I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Drunk is not a location!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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