I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe