I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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