My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
