My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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