I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
