you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
try to milk me bitch
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