I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
