I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
