do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
