oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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