my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The beer is more important than you right now.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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