im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
love makes seman taste better
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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