Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
