Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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