It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i think i just lost a toe
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