I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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