he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
