Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
