I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
