You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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