Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
