made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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