I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just gargled with NyQuil
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
