Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
