you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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