Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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