I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
