She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
