My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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