I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
