He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
