She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
