Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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