it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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