I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
