i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
