Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
