every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
