apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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