Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
