Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
