Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
