Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
