I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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