I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
