Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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