It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
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Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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