If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
