college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
