I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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