Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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