How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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