omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
