my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
