So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am spending my child support on dildos
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
