So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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