An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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