just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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